August 12, 2007
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I need your input!
Help, Xanga friends!
I'm just starting to work on my column for Wednesday's paper, and I've decided to write about women's friendships.
I'm working on the premise that for a woman, close friendships with other women are a vital ingredient to happiness.
Please give me your viewpoint on this, or:
if you're a woman, an example or comment from your own life..
or if you're a guy, your observations about women's friendships.
What makes them special? Are they vitally important to you or the women in your life?
What do women do for each other and mean to each other that's uniquely different from what the men in their lives mean to them?
I really look forward to your comments, and will incorporate some of them, probably - without identifying you - into my column.
Thanks!
Celia
Comments (10)
I'll be the first to chime in. I coined a new word a few weeks ago which pertains. This is such a chickflickian topic.
My wife has observed that what many women call a "sisterhood" is merely a forum for griping about the significant other in their lives. Women, in some circles, get together to bash their husbands. I think this shows a fundamental difference between the way my wife and I prioritize relationships and the way many people in our culture do.
When we were engaged -- long, long ago -- we read a book about marriage and decided to follow one of the suggestions in the book: never, never talk badly about your spouse in public. This shows that your friendship with whomever you are "spilling" takes priority over the one you claim to love the most. Though we each have, from time to time, broken this rule with a single close friend, we make it a point to never join in with the spouse-bashing that goes on even in Christian circles.
I find it amazing and very sad that there are married women who claim, without any semblance of apology to their husbands, that their same-sex friendships are the deepest and most meaningful relationships in their life. Nothing compares, they say, with the closeness they have forged with other women. I think that says more about the poorness of their marriage than about the "sisterhood of women."
That said, my wife has a few very, very close women friends. She values them highly. Just not as much as she values our relationship, and for that I am deeply thankful.
I will keep thinking about this but I have a comment to ideaguy's comment,
"That said, my wife has a few very, very close women friends. She values them highly. Just not as much as she values our relationship, and for that I am deeply thankful." ~~~ There is a different kind of value on those womanly bonds. I would shrivel and wither in deep parts of my heart if I did not have some of those close "sisterhood" friends. (btw, I really dislike the whole sisterhood connotation. It feels cheap. Maybe that is just my perception. ??) In a way they may be just as valued, but nothing compares to the depth and strength of my marriage. At the end of the day, no matter what, who am I turning to? When "I've lost my last friend" who will be there for me? O yeah, my girls will. But, you know... the best of my friends would send me straight back to the arms of my man. That, to me, is true friendship.
Is/are those friends vitally important to me? Yes, they are. I think that true friends have such a polishing effect on each other. in ways that my husband does not. Yet it is he who reaps the benefits of that refining more than anyone.
I will take a lighter approach.
Bunko and her yearly trip to Gulf Shores with her YaYas are both like a nicotine fix to a dedicated smoker. She'd just rather not do without either one.
But, in all fairness, I'd get a little testy without Poker Night.
Having three daughters I find them to be my closest friends. We spend time together weekly, speak almost daily and worship together! But, I do have a few girlfriends who I treasure dearly. Three are old high school friends, we go to lunch a few times a year. None of these girls are believers, I enjoy my time with them but there is not a deep heart connection. Most the talk is on vacations, book clubs, kids and who we have run into from high school since our last meeting. Then I have a few sisters in the Lord and we can not talk for weeks, yet when we spend time together it's easy to get right into a deep conversation. I have met a new friend on xanga and we just clicked! It's becoming a wonderful friendship, I think we will eventually meet! We talk dailly, have talked on the phone, we are in similar life stages and we pray for each other!
I really don't connect with women easily! I don't attend women't retreats, shy away from the women's ministry activities and would never consider being in something such as the Red Hatters! But, I am a MOPS mentor mom, I am an administrator on two women's computer discussion boards and will possibly be starting another private discussion board for missionary wives.
Like virginaidawn, my husband is my best friend, then my children and grandchildren...then friends get the leftovers!
Celia,
Dwain and I have had many deep discussions on this very topic. When we first married, we had very different ideas about out-of-marriage friendships. I believe in the power of an honest, true friend. Dwain doesn't always trust close female friendships because he knows only too well how women can hurt each other.
He, of course, wants to be my very best friend. And yeah, after 17 years he knows me better than anyonecould possibly need any other close friendships. Isn't he enough? He tries really hard to get into women's issues, especially those that interest me. After a while, though, I can see his eyes glaze over. I think some of the things I talk to him about scare him to death -- the subject is way too deep. And men also have another problem with being their wives very best friend. They want to problem solve and move on rather than just simply listen to her. Not every issue has a solution, but men don't seem to understand. Sometimes it just helps to listen to her talk or vent or worry. Say you understand. Give her a hug. Squeeze her hand. Let her cry. It's okay.
Yes, sadly, some women are negative when it comes to their homes, husbands, their children and their lot in life. Some women are just negative and have friends that encourage that type behavior. I have no idea why. Maybe they don't have anyone else to confide in about their marital problems other than a trusted friend. But in the main, I discourage that practice.
Women friends listen -- just listen -- to each other. Women understand the pain of turning 50, the issue of gray hair, to color or not to color, beauty shops, manicures, pedicures, smelling nice, what it feels like to touch fabrics with the tips of their fingers, a pretty nightgown, a silly hat, how nice it is to catch up on recent going's-on with a friend over simple luncheon salad. That's what friends do. Real friends respect each other's privacy with zipped lips. Those are the type girl friendships most women need -- desperately.
Men just can't understand a women's craving to stop dead in her tracks to gaze at purses in department stores; the need to share secret finds with a friend, the joy of a clean kitchen early in the morning, anymore than we can understand his endless facination with fishing rods, Bass Pro Shops, pocket knives, hot rods, the joy of being filthy and sweaty, and classic 1956 cars.
I treasure my few close friendships, but not to the exclusion of my husband. I'm so grateful he loves me so much he actually tries to take an interest in women's issues. Not every woman has a husband like that. And for them, a good, trusted girl friend is a God send.
I didn't even think it needed to be said, but, of course, Avarel is with out a doubt my best and most trusted friend. However, there are times when only another woman can truly understand what is going on in your life. I love that my far away friends keep in touch and while we don't share everyday experiences, when it really counts, I know they are there! My Bunko friends are wonderful and we share lots of fun and sometimes sorrowful memories. However, it is my Ya Ya's that I know would drop whatever they are doing if I needed them. I truly think we have a special bond. We don't talk every day or even really see each other on a regular basis. What we have is a "woman thing" that only other women can understand and appreciate. We rallied around Edie when she had cancer and we were there the day her only baby got married and as much as she loves Mike, she knew that we as mothers knew exactly what she was feeling. The bride's mother commented later that she wished she had friends like the YaYa's.
Avarel is such a blessing in my life and I thank God hourly for him. He is so good about sharing me with my friends and encourages me to seek out my friends when I need to. He understands about same sex friendships because he enjoys his as well. His regular attendance at the "Men's Study Group" would attest to that! Have a great day my friend! Love, Cyn
Celia,
I can already tell your column is going to be sensational and I can't wait until Wednesday to read what you come up with.
I just wanted to add one more thing about this unusual bond; women and their friendships. Have you ever noticed how even when women are strangers, they will confide in each other? In a dressing room, for instance, a women I don't even know will ask me, "do you think this makes me look fat?" My usual reply is, "If you have to talk yourself into it, you don't need it." I didn't solve her problem, but she knows I heard her.
Once, while eating at an out-of-town restaurant, a woman standing next to me at the bathroom sink suddently burst into tears. "My mother-in-law just announced to everyone at the table, she thought I was gaining weight. She said my upper arms were larger than they used to be and maybe I ought to think about ordering smaller portions from now on. She said she knew for a fact her son disliked fat women. She actually implied he might find me unattractive."
This was one of those situations where all I could do was listen, pat her hand and verify that what her mother-in-law said in front of everyone was, at best, not appropriate. "You have a very pretty smile," I told her, "and you're young with the promise of a long happy life."
The point is, this woman didn't know me, and yet, woman-to-woman, she felt a great need to unburden herself to another woman. All she wanted was for someone to give her the strength to grab back some confidence so she could go back out there and face everyone again.
I think we all respect the way it feels to be able to talk to a women we don't know and will never see again. That's what women do for each other.
I think the IDEAL is to be best friends with your spouse, but sometimes it just isn't that way, for many reasons. True in my life. My husband is wonderful and I love him and am VERY blessed he has hung in there with me for 28 years!!!
But he's not a good listener and gets uncomfortable with long heart to heart conversations, so I need my women friends for that. AND WE DO NOT BASH OUR HUSBANDS!! We always speak about them respectfully -- my CLOSE friends are Christians and we know the boundaries!
But I do need my friends to LISTEN, to understand, to help guide, to cry and laugh with me, to do things together that my husband doesn't enjoy.
My life would be very empty without my women friends!!!
I live so far out the only people I see on a regular basis are the people at work. I have 1 good friend at work and I will truly miss her when I move, I don't take friendships lightly. I have very few people that I truly trust. Most women just want to chatter about who did what and more gossip. But God does send a true friend that you can just dump your problems on and they just listen. Explain menopause to your hubby?? He tries to understand...I hope my friend at work sees that I have a strong realtionship with God and that she would want the same type of realationship. I am hoping that once I get settled in our new home that I can really get involved with our church and can get to know some of the ladies there better. Dawn